Changing a behaviour starts with being able to recognize it.
Maybe you've been told you get defensive when your ideas are challenged. Or that you take over when someone on your team starts struggling. Or that you avoid difficult conversations when you're worried about how the other person will react.
Once you know what needs to change, you can work on it. But knowing the behaviour is only part of it. In order to change you also need to understand what brings it out in you.
Insight: Knowing what you need to change doesn't mean you know how to change it
When we become aware of a behaviour we need to change, we can focus on doing better and make real progress. But if we don't understand what triggers the behaviour in the first place, it can be difficult to change when those feelings show up again.
You may have no trouble encouraging another person’s idea until you're convinced they're going in the wrong direction. You may delegate work until something important isn't being done to your standards. You may take feedback well until it touches something you're particularly sensitive about.
That's when changing the behaviour gets hard.
Knowing what you should do and being able to do it in the moment are two very different things, especially when pressure and competing personalities are involved.
Real Leadership Story: One random Tuesday
A new manager received feedback that when things didn't go according to plan, their intensity could make other people feel shut down.
The feedback stung because they prided themselves on being flexible. They saw themselves as someone who focused on finding solutions when things went off track. They also didn't really know what to do with the feedback. They didn't think of themselves as intense.
But they took the feedback seriously. They even spoke with a couple of trusted colleagues who agreed that when something went wrong, their focus on fixing it could sometimes come across more strongly than they realized.
So they started paying more attention to how they responded when problems came up. They made a conscious effort to stay calm, listen before jumping in and give other people space to work through what had happened.
Then, one random Tuesday, they were at the office late. So were a couple of other people. Someone on their team shared a piece of work that needed a lot of reworking.
It was late and they wanted to pack up for the night, but they decided to walk over and share feedback so it would be in better shape by the next day.
Instead of listening, the employee started typing everything the manager said and trying to edit the work in real time.
The manager felt their patience going. It was getting late and now their feedback was being typed back at them instead of being heard. They asked the employee to stop typing and follow them into their office.
They explained, with more frustration in their voice than they realized, that if the employee was going to get better, they needed to listen more. Just regurgitating their words wasn't going to make the work better or help them learn.
The employee sat across from them and listened. Then they went back to their desk, completed the assignment and went home.
Someone who wasn't on the team had overheard the conversation and shared it with the manager's VP.
The next day, the VP spoke with the manager about what had happened and gave them a very specific piece of advice: “When you're frustrated, take a walk before giving feedback.”
The manager hadn’t screamed or insulted them. They got annoyed at the end of a long day and, for a few minutes, their intensity took over and they became the version of themselves they'd been trying not to be.
In the Moment: Count to six
Changing a behaviour starts with understanding what brings it out in you.
Think about the feedback you've received more than once, or a behaviour you already know can get in your way. Then think about when it tends to happen.
Is it when someone questions your judgment? When you're frustrated? When you feel like you're losing control of something?
Then think about how you know it's happening. Maybe you feel your body starting to tense up. Your heart starts racing. You start talking faster. You stop asking questions and start telling people what to do. Recognizing your own early warning signs can give you a chance to compose yourself before the behaviour takes over.
It may be a combination of factors. Paying attention to the conditions that make the behaviour more likely can help you recognize when you're at risk of falling back into it.
If you’re able to take a walk when the trigger shows up, great. If time isn’t available, that's when the six-second pause can help.
The emotional intelligence network Six Seconds suggests pausing for six seconds when you feel yourself becoming triggered. The idea is that even a short pause can help interrupt the intensity of the initial reaction and give you a chance to choose how you respond.
Knowing your triggers won't necessarily stop the reaction. But it can help you recognize what's happening before the reaction turns into behaviour.
Question to Sit With This Week:
What's your version of someone typing back your feedback in real time?
Got a leadership challenge? Email me at [email protected] and I’ll tackle it in a future issue of The Present Leader.