Some of my dearest friendships began at work. We spent long days together, worked through difficult situations and genuinely enjoyed one another's company. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
But I've also come to appreciate that the relationships we build at work can influence more than our own experience. They can shape how other people experience the workplace, too.
And the more senior we become, the bigger that influence can be.
Insight: Personal relationships create influence, whether we intend them to or not
We believe we make decisions based on the information available to us, taking into consideration different perspectives before reaching a conclusion. But when we form close relationships at work, those relationships can carry more influence over our decisions than we realize or intend.
Think about the conversations you have with colleagues you're close to. You're exchanging observations, sharing experiences and making sense of what's happening around you. Over time, you develop a shared understanding. And when you're exercising judgment over certain situations, you may not recognize how much of your thinking has been influenced by the people you're closest to.
We tend to judge fairness by our intentions, but other people experience it through our decisions and behaviours.
Real leadership story: When friendships are part of the team
Throughout my career, I've developed friendships with people I've managed. We worked closely together, enjoyed one another's company and sometimes spent time together outside the office.
These weren't relationships I tried to hide. We socialized together, and photos of our time outside work would occasionally appear on social media. I would have been naive to think other people on the team didn't notice.
I also championed these colleagues. I wanted them to succeed, looked for opportunities for them and supported their development. But I did the same for everyone I managed.
Looking back, though, I can recognize something else.
Because I spent more time with certain colleagues, they naturally had more opportunities to share their perspectives with me. We talked about work outside the office, discussed situations as they arose and exchanged opinions in ways that didn't always happen with other members of the team.
Those conversations were simply part of our friendships. I wasn't consciously giving anyone a greater say in how things were managed.
But their perspectives reached me more often. And it's entirely possible that those conversations influenced how I thought about situations before I'd heard from others who were equally affected.
I wasn’t intentionally favouring anyone. But I can see how those relationships may have created a degree of influence that wasn't equally available to everyone.
And that's something I think managers need to recognize.
What does this mean for managers?
There's nothing wrong with developing friendships with people you manage. But those relationships come with a responsibility to recognize that the people we're closest to may have more influence over our thinking than we realize.
That doesn't mean their perspectives are any less valid. It means we need to be conscious of how our opinions have been formed, particularly when we're making decisions that affect others.
Being fair requires more than having good intentions. It requires being willing to question our own judgment, even when we're confident we're making the right decision.
In the Moment: Consider who has influenced your thinking
The next time you're making a decision that affects your team, consider whose perspectives you've already heard.
Ask yourself whether the conversations you've had with people close to you have influenced your understanding of the situation.
Are there other people with relevant experience or information whose perspectives you should consider?
The most important thing you can do is recognize that you've already formed an opinion and consider whether you've heard enough to make a fair decision.
Question to Sit With This Week:
How much of what I believe about a situation has been shaped by the people I'm closest to?
Got a leadership challenge? Email me at [email protected] and I’ll tackle it in an upcoming issue of The Present Leader.